Does this Make Any Sense?

There are some days when I am certain I am doing it all wrong. The damage has been done ... I have wrought irrecoverable harm upon my child through my poor parenting skills and lack of patience. A better Mom would know how to handle the continual back talk and sassy behavior. A better Mom would not get frustrated with her child when said child yelled at her for the thirtieth time during a twenty-four hour period. A better Mom would remind herself that the child is just three years old and that all children must go through such phases. Apparently I am not a better Mom. Today and over the last few days I feel like a terrible Mom.


This happens periodically, at least it does with me, and it follows a pattern, as I have at times in my life also felt like a terrible wife, daughter, sister, friend, and about any other role I have played at one time or another. I assume most people feel this way, but then again maybe they don't. Maybe it is just for chronic freaks like myself or people who feel the need to try and be perfect as if that is somehow attainable. The truth is none of it is about other people, really, and it is all about me and my own pathetic feeling of inadequacy and self-doubt. And I hate how that sounds even to myself. I need to stop whining. I need to "cowboy up." I need to "put on my big girl panties and deal with it," as they say.


Now is about the time when I go and apologize to my three year old for being so crabby, tell her that I have never done this Mommy gig before just like she has never done this kid thing before so we are entitled to a few (trillion) screw ups and we will just have to try harder to communicate. Now is the time when I remind myself that I am the grown up and she is the child and maybe I should act like it. Now is the time when I choose to stay "in the game" not just when she is cute and fun for Halloween, but when she is making me want to yank my hair out and run in the other direction. Now is the time when I remember how much I adore her. And that is never hard to do. The truth is I will probably always struggle with my own personal feelings of self-worth and self-doubt, and I will probably always worry about messing things up as a parent. But I will never doubt my love for her, and in the end perhaps that is all that truly matters.