Balancing Act

I have this mental picture of myself sometimes, standing with my feet hip-width apart, wearing some kind of sturdy, comfortable shoe (maybe my Merrells, something I can wear a long time without my feet getting tired), my arms out either side of me, palms raised and holding ..... everything. And by everything I mean all the stuff in life that comes our way as women, that as women, we are expected to juggle, handle, deal with, manage, accomplish, complete, and most importantly of all, BALANCE. And I am not just talking the mundane tasks we are faced with, but the more important balancing act of trying to keep family time, couple time, personal time and even certain social obligations all on a level playing field. (You ladies know what I am talking about).


Above all else, it is the balance part in my life with which I struggle the most, and I am sure I am not alone. I think my foundation is solid; I have good intentions (back to my Merrells, love both pairs) but inevitably I always feel like I am not quite getting it right, my balance is off, one arm, one hand, is always holding more than the other. I think I am always letting someone down whether it is myself, my husband, my extended family, or even worse my daughter. For instance, I know Clay and I do not devote enough time to our relationship as a couple, but then again I would love you to introduce me to any parents of a four year old who does.


And finding some kind of balance with time for myself? As any mother knows you forgo the right to have time for yourself until at least, what? The child's eighteenth birthday? I thought of that last Friday night at about 9:30 in the evening as I found myself crouched behind my downstairs toilet finishing the last bit of painting around the plumbing in the back. Did painting my bathroom by myself qualify as "me" time? Or how about actually getting to use the bathroom by myself without a kid or a cat barging in? Is that finding time for myself? I suppose this time writing is the one thing I can say I do totally for my own sake (never mind the fact that I am also folding a load of laundry in between sentences).


Then there is my time with Isabelle. So much of my day with her is spent cleaning the house or running errands, making dinner, and I catch myself asking am I "balancing" this out with enough so-called quality time reading books or doing an activity which focuses solely on her? Has she watched too much television? Should I have taken her outside more today? Has she seen her grandparents enough? Come to think of it, have we seen enough of our extended families lately or are they feeling neglected because we have been so busy with our camp project? All of these little items course through my brain, me mentally attempting to weight them. I tie myself in knots and my arms in my little mental picture start to feel like they are holding two fifty pound cinderblocks.


Of course, the truly insane part in all of this is to think I can balance it all anyways because ultimately it isn't up to me. As much as I always try and want to make everyone content, I am not personally responsible for each individual family member's happiness... they are. As for the balancing act? All I can do is the best I can do. Today that meant staying home and reading books to Isabelle, doing a load of laundry, carving out thirty minutes of time (for myself) on the treadmill, digging up crock pot meatball recipes on the Internet, and even starting my Christmas shopping. And now I think I might just head downstairs to watch Monday night football with my husband. Maybe we can just find a few minutes of couple time after all.