Exhaustion

Here's the thing: I am tired. I think perhaps more tired then I have ever been in my entire life. Even more so then in those first months with Isabelle when she was doing the non-stop crying/screaming bit. More tired then during those two years of graduate school when I had insomnia so bad that I would find myself scrubbing my apartment toilet at three o'clock in the morning to kill time or downing something like nine cans of caffeine-laden soda a day to maintain some level of consciousness through my evening class. Today, I am the kind of tired where I would like to curl up on the couch and cry for no obvious reason.


Why, you ask? I have been asking myself the same question. I guess it would all come down to this year, 2009. This has been a year of work. Not that all years are not in some form, but this year it is a main theme .....working on camp is the big one which overshadows everything, and at this point I can safely say it is catching up. I know Clay would say, if it is catching up with anyone it should be him, as he is the one who is putting in all the hours out there. And he is right.... he puts in long hours at the office and then has been going out to camp in the evenings or on the weekends to work on projects. I help when I can but, naturally, having Isabelle a lot of the wiring, plumbing etc. falls to him. Plus, the days are so short right now that it is practically dark when he gets home from work.


But inevitably if he is at camp then I am here, "holding down the fort," not just sitting around getting a manicure (which I have never had done by the way..... I have had one professional pedicure in my life). This means a lot of evenings flying solo with Isabelle (after some long days with Isabelle! some great and some..... not so much). Suffice it so say this fourth year of her life has been a rather challenging one in the behavior department, definitely putting in my work there. Also, with Clay at camp so much, it has meant me picking up a lot (okay, all) of the yard work this fall. While this might not seem like a huge undertaking to some, let me remind you I have a rather large yard surrounded and filled by massive oak trees which involves enough raking to keep a small prison crew busy for an extended period of time. So the yard, in addition to the regular cleaning of the interior of the house, plus the errands, and, of course, Isabelle and all the other billions of little things one must accomplish everyday, like all the impending Christmas shopping..... you get the idea.


And now my daughter is going through an especially bad phase of behavior at nighttime. It seems she just would rather not sleep, and if she is awake she feels I should be too, so she devises various excuses (also include yelling, tantrums, and faking illness) to get me out of bed, none of which are any good, all of which make me mad, crabby and, in general, not pleasant. This is simply multiplied by the fact that Isabelle is then tired during the day (from not sleeping!!!) and is whining and clingy and I am suddenly finding myself understanding why some species eat their young. Sigh.


SO........ here I am in my seemingly never-ending cycle of exhaustion, clinging to these few thoughts. One, I am fairly certain I am done raking for the year as the oaks have finally dropped their last round of leaves and after more hours of work then I would care to calculate I think all that remains is for me to winterize (protect for you people who do not get buried in snow) several bushes. This means my aching hands can finally put that damn rake down. Two, after last night, Isabelle's game playing is at an end as this Momma Bear has more then reached her limit, and three, 2009 is almost over with and perhaps if I can just get to 2010 maybe I can find some time to get a little rest. Either that or I will just invest in a good pair of ear plugs.

Meant To Be

It occurred to me last night how different our lives might look if some other choices had been made or perhaps if our path had led us somewhere else. I was putting Isabelle's Halloween pictures into an already bulging photo album, surrounded on the couch by three other albums, all full of Isabelle (it took me a bit to find which one I was currently filling. Hey, don't pick on me too bad.... at least I am keeping up with filling albums). There were even more albums of her still put away, and I had to laugh to myself since the kid is not even five, and she has more photo albums at this point then Clay and I do as a couple, and we've been married almost ten years and together for nearly thirteen. If I got into the countless photos of her left unprinted on "Shutterfly" the number would be staggering.

But my thoughts weren't about pictures. They were about how this one little person, who was then currently playing the billionth round of "Pretty, Pretty Princess" with her father, had so thoroughly and completely taken over our lives...and not in a bad way. I watched Clay spin the pink, plastic spinner, move his princess playing piece and dutifully pick up his blue earring and clip it on his lobe to which Isabelle cried, "Mommy, look at Daddy!" Clay didn't even flinch, just gave me a slight lopsided grin. Who else would my tough guy husband do this for? Simply put: No one but his daughter. What did we used to do on Halloween before we had Isabelle? What did we do on an evening like this? It must have seemed empty, and looking back and recalling how badly we wanted a baby, how much it hurt when we lost them, I know it was.

As is typically the case, my child has a way of summing it all up like no one else. I give you the following anecdote:

Last weekend I was driving to my parents. Isabelle was in the back keeping up her running dialogue, telling me about school, her friends, songs, making up stories for me, and asking me how to spell.... well..... everything. But I loved it. So I told her so and that I was so glad she was my daughter because I would be lonely without her. Her vivacious eyes met mine in the rear view mirror and Isabelle stated very matter-of-factly, "Yup, God thought you'd like me." Blinking back the sudden tears that pricked my eyes and smiling a huge grin at her, I could not help but think, Wow, did he ever get that one right.