Exhaustion

Here's the thing: I am tired. I think perhaps more tired then I have ever been in my entire life. Even more so then in those first months with Isabelle when she was doing the non-stop crying/screaming bit. More tired then during those two years of graduate school when I had insomnia so bad that I would find myself scrubbing my apartment toilet at three o'clock in the morning to kill time or downing something like nine cans of caffeine-laden soda a day to maintain some level of consciousness through my evening class. Today, I am the kind of tired where I would like to curl up on the couch and cry for no obvious reason.


Why, you ask? I have been asking myself the same question. I guess it would all come down to this year, 2009. This has been a year of work. Not that all years are not in some form, but this year it is a main theme .....working on camp is the big one which overshadows everything, and at this point I can safely say it is catching up. I know Clay would say, if it is catching up with anyone it should be him, as he is the one who is putting in all the hours out there. And he is right.... he puts in long hours at the office and then has been going out to camp in the evenings or on the weekends to work on projects. I help when I can but, naturally, having Isabelle a lot of the wiring, plumbing etc. falls to him. Plus, the days are so short right now that it is practically dark when he gets home from work.


But inevitably if he is at camp then I am here, "holding down the fort," not just sitting around getting a manicure (which I have never had done by the way..... I have had one professional pedicure in my life). This means a lot of evenings flying solo with Isabelle (after some long days with Isabelle! some great and some..... not so much). Suffice it so say this fourth year of her life has been a rather challenging one in the behavior department, definitely putting in my work there. Also, with Clay at camp so much, it has meant me picking up a lot (okay, all) of the yard work this fall. While this might not seem like a huge undertaking to some, let me remind you I have a rather large yard surrounded and filled by massive oak trees which involves enough raking to keep a small prison crew busy for an extended period of time. So the yard, in addition to the regular cleaning of the interior of the house, plus the errands, and, of course, Isabelle and all the other billions of little things one must accomplish everyday, like all the impending Christmas shopping..... you get the idea.


And now my daughter is going through an especially bad phase of behavior at nighttime. It seems she just would rather not sleep, and if she is awake she feels I should be too, so she devises various excuses (also include yelling, tantrums, and faking illness) to get me out of bed, none of which are any good, all of which make me mad, crabby and, in general, not pleasant. This is simply multiplied by the fact that Isabelle is then tired during the day (from not sleeping!!!) and is whining and clingy and I am suddenly finding myself understanding why some species eat their young. Sigh.


SO........ here I am in my seemingly never-ending cycle of exhaustion, clinging to these few thoughts. One, I am fairly certain I am done raking for the year as the oaks have finally dropped their last round of leaves and after more hours of work then I would care to calculate I think all that remains is for me to winterize (protect for you people who do not get buried in snow) several bushes. This means my aching hands can finally put that damn rake down. Two, after last night, Isabelle's game playing is at an end as this Momma Bear has more then reached her limit, and three, 2009 is almost over with and perhaps if I can just get to 2010 maybe I can find some time to get a little rest. Either that or I will just invest in a good pair of ear plugs.