I cannot believe it, but I am leaning towards turning down a chance to return to Hawaii. I say return because I have been there before, visiting the islands of Oahu and Maui. It was an amazing, once in a lifetime, better than you could ever dream kind of trip. Basically, the kind of vacation one would always dream of having in a perfect world but in reality can never accomplish.
We could go back. Spend a little over a week in a condo with our friends, swim in the Pacific, tour the coastlines, take a cruise, relax on the beach, and yet I am thinking we won't go. Why, you ask? Why, on this earth could I possibly say no?
There are a lot of little reasons. It comes at an already busy time of year. It costs money that we can afford to spend but could be spent more wisely elsewhere. There is hardly any time to plan and we would be rushing around like maniacs. It would involve asking a variety of people, namely family members, to help us out and impose quite a lot on them. Truly, though there is only one reason.
Isabelle. The thought of leaving her for more than a couple of days creates this pit in my stomach that threatens to swallow me entirely. We would have to leave her for probably eight nights, maybe more depending on flights and weather. Her loving grandparents would take care of her, but it seems like such a tremendous favor to ask for. After all, we are talking all of the duties of child rearing, not just a few fun-filled hours of play time. And what if she misses me or wants me and I am gone? I know, I know, she can miss me in two hours as well as eight days, but I wouldn't be there as soon to comfort her if she did. She isn't old enough to really understand going away too much yet. The logistics of planning for us to go away as well as pack for Isabelle to go to one grandma's house for the first half of our trip and then prepare our house for the other grandma to come and stay and watch her during the second half, is daunting to say the least. I know she would be fine. Logically, I can look at the situation and say, "Go, have fun, she is with people who love her and care for her. She couldn't be safer." But emotionally. Ahh, emotionally it is another story.
I remember thinking that line about your children taking a piece of your heart with them when they were born was absolute drivel. Then I had a child. Turns out that is pretty close to the mark, but it is more like I forget how to breathe when she is away from me too long. And the worry! My mother told me that once you have kids you never stop worrying. Another line, which I thought was sort of over the top, but that happens to be true as well. Right now I worry about mundane things. Did she eat enough? Is she sleeping well? Is that sniffle turning into a cold? Am I raising her to be a polite, intelligent, productive adult or have I already completely screwed her up? (okay, maybe not all mundane) Later, I will worry about her meeting the right guy, finding her happiness and being her own person. So, all of that so-called drivel turns out to be accurate. My soul is not just my own anymore, for I share it with a small whirlwind of love, exuberance, and activity, that is my daughter.
Part of what I wish to teach Isabelle though is to take advantage of the life you are given and not always do the safe or practical thing. I have never been particularly spontaneous. It is not in my nature. So, sometimes I worry that I let some chances/opportunities pass me by because I am too busy being responsible or doing the "right" thing. I know we could take this trip later. I just question whether we actually will. And while I think I would feel better leaving her if she were older than two, I know the first time I leave her for over a week will still be hard no matter if she is four or twelve. So, what to do?
I have no clue. I think I will go hug my daughter and dream of a warm sand beach.
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