Loose Ends, Taking Stock, and Getting There

I am feeling at loose ends tonight. I think it is the inevitable come down after the Christmas rush. I went from the focus of the holdays into the relative calm of January, and now I am looking for what is next. This combined with the total trash that is called entertainment nowadays on television, and the fact that the books I ordered from Amazon are not here yet, and I am not unlike my two and a half year old asking, "where we going next, mommy?"

Of course, this is also the time of year when we are all supposedly "taking stock" of our lives and where we are within them. While I do not believe in all the making resolutions crap I am up for a quick evaluation. So, where am I? Ummmmm, happily married (for the most part... but it is a real marriage not the soap opera, movie kind, which means sometimes it is routine, sometimes it is great and sometimes it is not so great. Yet it is always secure in its love, values, and goals and that is why I know we are in it for life.) I would say I am about five pounds too heavy (in my view anyway. I am obese by hollywood standards and probably fine according to the majority of Americans). I am better health-wise then I probably have ever been because I work out regulary, sleep fairly well, and eat pretty balanced meals. Overall, I am content with my social circle, our financial situation, our house... and of course, continually more in love with my child everyday. So, is anything missing?

Yes. I am not sure I even have a name for it. I need something that is just my own. Maybe a job, but maybe it is more just a purpose or a thing to be identified for. An identity that goes beyond wife and mother, daughter and sister, into who I am as an individual. Except I have no clear vision or goal as to how to get there or what "there" even is. My father-in-law has made the statement, "I still do not know what I want to be when I grow up" and sometimes I feel the same way. The truth is I am already in the two roles I have wanted my whole life: wife and mother. Now I just need to figure out what that third role might be. I am confident I will... eventually. Right now though I am going to find a book to reread (send me my new books, Amazon!) and lose myself in the roles the main character plays.