Praying

"What's wrong, Mommy?"

"Oh, nothing honey. Mommy is just a jumble of emotions right now."

"But I can make you feel better."

"Oh, yeah? How?"

"I give you a hug and you put up your eyebrows and then you will feel better!"


Yeah, life is a jumble of emotions right now, and these days my heart doesn't know if it should beat right out of my chest, jump in my throat, or swell to gigantic proportions. Case in point: I sat on the shores of Lake Superior this past week with the sun blazing down, the wind whipping my hair, watching my daughter and my brother's two children play in the shallows of that chilly lake's waters. My niece, Anya, is the picture of wild purity, a child who experiences everything to the utmost and lives her life with a zest that will make people flock to her as she matures because she radiates such a beauty of spirit. My nephew, Gideon, is the happy, easy-going one, always ready to bring a laugh or a smile to your face and so darn adorable I swear he could be the poster child for any kid product ever made. And then there is my Isabelle, splashing in the water, still trying to decide if she really is okay with being that sandy and disheveled but industriously filling her bucket with sand and compacting it with water anyway. All of them are the picture of innocence and of what is beautiful and right and wonderful in this world and in that moment sitting in my chair with my mother and my brother and sister-in-law, my heart could not possibly get any bigger with love.

Yet, in that same moment at the opposite end of the spectrum my grandmother lay ill in a hospital and we were waiting for word. Days later there have been a lot of words, little improvement and more questions. I am told to pray, but my heart asks what should I pray for? Ultimately, I pray for God to help my grandmother ...... in whatever form that takes so long as it removes any fear, suffering or pain from the equation. Selfishly, I would keep her with me always, but I don't "man the controls" on this ride, so it is not for me to decide and perhaps that is as it should be. For me, sometimes life feels to big to handle. Like I have more emotion then I know what to do with and this week has been like that. Everything is such a muddled mess within my head that it is hard to form an articulate thought. It is at times like this when I like to believe there is a "greater power" at work, somehow guiding me through. Call it naive, if you will, I don't mind.

But through my jumble of emotions I still see how life comes full circle (as well as throwing you a couple of curve balls) so I will choose to think about my grandmother's great grandchildren (her legacy) frolicking on the shores of Lake Superior, and I will swallow the lump that continues to climb into my throat, and I will listen to my heart thump away in my chest, and I will hope for a better tomorrow.